Hereby, on this day (that is to say, the 15th of August of 2024, at the precise time of year in which we are, in fact, at the exact point in the moral timespan which we currently inhabit) the people of the world (namely me, Elsa Faye Rosser, though I'm sure many people will join me) have united to overthrow the cruel powers which bind them to repression. Through this manifesto, I hope to touch your heart with the cold hand of starvation that is only possible through communism. As the leader of the Elsa Supremacy Movement, I hope to overthrow those evil beings which prevent us from living in true equality: equal lack of food, equally harsh working conditions, equal prevention of free speech, and all the other equality for which we do so wish. The current system assumes we appreciate things like food and rights. But we are above that! Together we can rise, if we only follow the simple rules of communistic success:

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1. I shall remember that Elsa is the giver of the equality that I do so want, so I must therefore follow her will for my life, being as she has learned all the wise secrets of the universe.
    

2. I shall tithe to Elsa as follows:
       10% of my income because she knows better than me.
       37% because I am a stupid peasant.
       15% because I don't deserve the right to own money.
       22% because I should not be allowed to have fun.
       6% because I ought to use the rest of my earnings for the good of my leader, even though she already has copious amounts of money.
       8% because I should not be allowed to keep that last bit of money that I just desperately scrounged up just because I'm “starving” and “dying.”
   (And you thought you could keep that last 2% but Elsa is taking that too, for no specific reason other than that she's a jerk benevolent leader.)
    

3. I shall never say anything that disagrees with Elsa (who is always right), because if I do, I will be thrown ceremoniously off Trump Tower (along with Donald Trump himself, who had it coming to him), to a nearly certain death.
    

4. I shall work in the Backpack Factory from 3 a.m. till 10 p.m., and I shall spend the rest of my hours reading dense biographies about Elsa.
    

5. #Elsa must be painted on all my belongings in large red letters.
    

6. I shall eat my one daily meal of stewed lentils and Brussels sprouts with utmost joy because it makes Elsa happy to see me make sacrifices for the cause.
    

7. Children are disposable, so I shall donate my firstborn child to the good of Elsa Supremacy​.
    

8. If I fail to keep these commandments, I shall be thrown into the pit of hungry Killer Turtles™ who will eat my unenlightened flesh with no regrets.
    

9. Upon announcement of my Killer Turtle Themed Death™, I shall not attempt to bargain with Elsa for mercy, for none will be given, and begging will result in the loss of my secondborn child as well as my first.
    

10. Once in the pit, I shall not try to escape from the Killer Turtles™ because my death is deserved.
     

11. As far as daily affairs go, no smiling, no laughing, no giggling, no grinning, no pleasant thoughts, no joy, no happiness, and if I don't have anything glum to say I won't say anything at all.
     

12. The following are forbidden:
        The L-Word (Love).
        The S-Word (Smile).
        The H-Word (Happy).
        The F-Word (Food).
        The Other L-Word (Life).

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By following these 12 simple rules you can be just like Elsa (except, of course, that you actually can't because she's superior. #Elsa). You can live in complete joy*. Life will be magical. Still not convinced? Behold Figure 1.

*And by “joy” I mean “destitution.”

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And that is only the tip of the iceberg. The previews before the movie. The appetizer, if you will. For the full course, you must truly join my destined cause.

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If you do not convert, you will not last long. When Elsa Supremacy takes its long-deserved power, anyone who does not join will be executed in one of the following methods:

• Mummified

• Exposed to your greatest personal allergy

• Lethal injection of POG juice (which is only used for lethal injections and not for actual consumption because if it were actually used for drinking it would bring too much joy to the peasants)

• Lethal injection of POG taffy (see above note)

• Stuffed into Olivia's car trunk and left to starve until your supply of oxygen ends or the stash of snacks in her trunk runs out​

 

If you dare laugh at the manifesto of Elsa Supremacy, you will be killed by one of the preceding methods and then killed again.                                                                     Of course, the Tarr family will have no problem with this whatsoever, since they are strongly lacking in humor appreciation and sat stony-faced through the reading of this manifesto (cough cough, Peasant Kelly, Peasant Child Tirza,                                        Wee Peasant Lexi, and Teensy Peasant Loraleigh).                                                                                                   

​I keep messing up and having to draw black lines over everything. Black like my heart.

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I am about to make Tara late for Mrs. Kimmel's class by writing this, but sacrifices must be made for the good of communism. Tara, you shall receive extra blessings from me, in the form of extra-special longer working hours, extra-special requirements to tithe 110% of your earnings, and extra-special warm stewed lentils and Brussels sprouts instead of cold for a whole week.

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But that about sums it up. Adieu, fellow communists. Make the right decision. You know what I mean.​​​​​​