All That Nonsense About Natural Rights

Prospect peasants keep asking me about how joining Elsa Supremacy will interfere with their “natural rights," so I figured it's about time I just sit down and explain it to everybody once and for all.

All this “natural rights" nonsense is exactly that: nonsense. Complete and utter nonsense. Everyone's all “natural this," “natural that," “if it's not natural I won't eat, drink, or lobotomize it!" but let me tell you, the secret to success is not natural anything, much less rights. The secret to success is - you guessed it - COMMUNISM!

It's silly how obsessed people are with natural things, because not all natural things are good. Arsenic, for instance. That's natural, but is it good? Only if you use it on capitalists! What about fruits and vegetables? Those are natural, but only a lunatic who cares about their health and wellbeing would argue that they're good. Rainbows and ponies - those are definitely natural; does that make them good? Of course not! Rainbows and ponies bring terrible things like joy and happiness upon their viewers.

There's no reason to believe that natural rights would be any different. In fact, there's a whole lot of evidence that shows us just how dangerous these natural rights can be.

Natural Rights Proponents Say	I Say
Natural rights apply to everyone everywhere.	Natural rights apply to Elsa only.
Natural rights are inherent; the government cannot give them or take them away.	As a peasant, your rights (or lack thereof) are graciously doled out by me, and I can take them away whenever I see fit.
If a government tries to take away your natural rights, that government should be overthrown.	If a government tries to take away your natural rights, you should pledge your allegiance to it, devote your life to it, and donate your firstborn child to it.
Democratic governments are based on natural rights.	Communist governments (the only good governments) toss natural rights out the window. (Hahaha, defenestration. Take the L, John Locke.)
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal and have certain natural rights: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.	It's true that all men are created equal, just as all women except Elsa are created equal to said men. But Elsa is better than them all, and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are one big hoax.
Everyone has the right to labor freely.	You can labor as much as you want, as long as it's over 19 hours per day at the Backpack Factory.
What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature?	Well spoken, James. My government clearly reflects foundation aspects of human nature: communism, the inclination to submit to Elsa, and the desire to lobotomize capitalists.

(As your Supreme Leader, I am allowed to butcher quotes to better fit my communist ideals and text boxes.)

At this point it should be pretty clear that natural rights cause a whole lot more harm than good. I hope that you choose to kick natural rights out of your life altogether. What does that mean for you? Next time you prepare to exercise your natural right to free speech, choose to say “Elsa is supreme" instead. Next time you want to enjoy life, liberty, or happiness, go work at the Backpack Factory. Next time you want to make a decision about your life, let Elsa make the decision instead.

This post might be a tough pill to swallow if you're still living under the capitalist ruse of natural rights. But I promise, I can see the communist darkness at the end of the tunnel. If you follow your calling and offer all your natural rights up to me, you'll come out just fine on the other side. This is a big step to take, dear peasants, but I believe in you.

Insert: I just saw someone with a shirt that said “Live, Laugh, Lobotomy" and I want one. Then we could play Two Lies and a Truth. Because here at Elsa Supremacy, Live and Laugh are lies, but Lobotomy is a truth. Shout-out to my favorite Second-in-Command/Master Lobotomist Lilly Kate! Elsa Supremacy wouldn't be possible without you.

My mom, or The Mother (as she titles herself in her comments on this website), has requested that I tell some amazing tales of Elsa Supremacy taking over college, so I figured I'd mention a recent triumph.

Last week I invited a new friend from college (Ansley) to become one of my peasants, and she happily obliged. She even gave me the idea of making an ELSA SUPREMACY BOARD GAME!!! This really was a fantastic idea, since I'm such a board game lover and even more of an Elsa Supremacy lover. Hopefully I can make an Elsa Supremacy board game sometime soon. I'm thinking that its main theme might be “You're a peasant in my kingdom! How quickly can you die?" I also considered making an Elsa Supremacy deck of cards, with me, my team, and other people I like on the face cards.

Speaking of board games, I've recently been attending board games club here at UT. At a recent meeting we played Werewolf, where there was a CULT LEADER character card! I think we all know who should have gotten that card, but unfortunately the characters were assigned randomly and someone else ended up with the cult leader instead of me. What card did yours truly receive? you may be wondering. Well, we played three games, and I was a villager, a diseased, and a diseased again. What a disappointment. No one is supposed to know about all my diseases - I mean, UNIQUE ECCENTRICITIES - but now everyone in the board games club knows that I have leprosy and tuberculosis at the very least. But it's okay. One day I will get the cult leader card and Elsa Supremacy will rise.

Lastly, I want to inform everyone that today, September 12, is the meme album's second birthday! The meme album didn't get the first birthday party it deserved, so we need to make sure we properly celebrate its second. If you're already a part of the meme album, think about taking this day to add even more memes to our massive collection - communist memes in particular. If you're not a part of the meme album but are interested in joining, let me know!

That's all for now! Have a red day!

P.S. As I have moved away from friendly faces and familiar places and into this bright orange collegiate setting, I am realizing all over again that leading a fake communist cult is a very strange hobby to have. But at this point I'm too deep into the sea of red to stop now.