More College Updates for You Needy Serfs

Good afternoon, plebes! Yes, it's only been five days since I wrote my last post, but what can I say? I'm just so punctual, so on top of things, so willing to offer frequent words of wisdom in the form of blog posts.

After my last post I realized there was just so much more I could write about to fill you peasants in on my college life. One serf in particular - in fact, the very creator of Kimmel Koin - mentioned that I should write about what it's like for me to share a dorm room with a non-Elsa Supremacist. Let me tell you, it's rough. Every morning when I wake up I have to quench the nearly-unquenchable desire to scream “It's a fantastic day to go slave away at the Backpack Factory, dear peasants!" at the top of my lungs, because my roommate would think that's weird. Every afternoon I have to keep myself from exercising my Supreme-Leaderly rights to order anyone and everyone around and spread communism to the masses, because my roommate would think that's weird. And every night when I lie down in bed I cry myself to sleep because of the sheer amount of capitalism that surrounds me, and my roommate just doesn't get it. So yes, peasants, sharing a room with a non-Elsa Supremacist is extremely trying, which is quite a shame because as your supreme leader, I should not be expected to have a hard time with anything.

So, what else has been happening here at college? Well, last weekend UT lost a football game to Georgia. Everyone on campus was all “boo-hoo" this, “My life never be the same again" that. And of course, there were all the [annoying] [non-athlete] [please stop talking] girls claiming that THEY could have made that kick. But come on, folks. I think it should be obvious right now that UT was destined to lose. After all, Georgia's school colors include RED, and it would have been absolutely disgraceful if glorious, communist red had allowed itself to be triumphed by mediocre orange. Just think of the terrible implications that that would have had for Elsa Supremacy. Nothing good, I can say for sure.

Yesterday evening I had a much less favorable experience here at UT. It involved chipotle-flavored mac-and-cheese, strange dining hall customs, and at least four sorority girls standing dauntingly in a line behind me. What happened is that I was just mind my own business, waiting for my turn in the mac-and-cheese line, when four sorority girls filed in behind me.

(Warning: I'm concerned that my retelling of this story is very convoluted and anticlimactic, and just generally not worth telling, but in the words of Jester Jansley, “Who wants clarity? Not me!" If you disagree, feel free to remember that as a peasant, your opinion doesn't matter.)

Anyway, the way it works here at UT is that there are two hotplates full of mac-and-cheese (or whatever the dish is), and the dining hall workers refill them as needed. Typically a vicious cycle is created where students only take food from one of the hotplates, which means that the food on that hotplate is always nice and hot because it's being replaced so often, while the other hotplate is neglected and ignored, and its pasta starts to look not so good.

Like anyone would do, I was scraping up the remains of the mac-and-cheese on the good hotplate while the other one remained full beside it. I was filling up my bowl all the way because I was hungry! (Ruling over peasants is hard work.) To my shock, horror, and amusement, one of those sorority girls behind me had the AUDACITY to say, “DAMN! Take it all, why don't you?" (Don't pardon her French.) I quickly looked up to see which of the sorority girls had said that, but they all look the same, sound the same, and were making angry non-eye contact with me, so I did not know. It will forever be a mystery which evil sorority girl dared to question my dietary choices, but just know, if any of you peasants pull a stunt like that, Lilly Kate will promptly lobotomize you with my 0.6mm crochet hook.

Anyway, let's talk about more cheerful happenings. I have two new converts here at UT, and they both want to join my team! Welcome, Jester Jansley and Farmer Fabby!

As you should be aware (if you've read the Meet the Team page), Lilly Kate lobotomizes anyone who disagrees with me. We enjoy public executions around here, so I always give everyone the day off from work to come watch (don't worry, they work a 38-hour shift the next day). But sometimes the peasants get bored of watching all the lobotomies (or they pass out due to lack of nutrition/sleep). That's where Seth, Julia Ann, and Jester Jansley come in. Seth plays Rick Astley songs on his ukulele as Lilly Kate does her job. Julia Ann amuses the peasants by saying heretical things like “What the shicklefracks?" Jester Jansley, jeanwhile, jests at the jexecutions, using jokes, jancing, and jaughter to the tune of Seth's jectacular jusic.

“What about Farmer Fabby?" you may be wondering. Well, Farmer Fabby's job is quite simple: she farms! Farmer Fabby has two gardens: the food she grows for you peasants, and the food she grows for ME. For you, she grows Brussels sprouts and lentils. For me, she grows all sorts of delicious, nutritious things. Clearly her job is very important, because if you peasants didn't have your meager shares of Brussels sprouts and lentils, you would starve a whole lot quicker than you are right now!

Jester Jansley and Farmer Fabby will probably be appearing on the Meet the Team page at some point, but who knows when that will be. I'm not THAT on top of things.

I had a couple of mysterious Guests on my last blog post saying “I love you Elsa!" and things like that. Who are these elusive Guests? No one knows, besides the Guests themselves. But I appreciate the love nonetheless, Guests.

As you can see from these past couple posts, if you ever have an idea for a blog post for me to write, I might take you up on it! Just let me know.

Farewell, comrades!