Conspiracy Theories!

It has been a while since we last spoke -- or rather, since you last read my written word on the personal electronic device of your choosing. At first I was going to apologize for that and say something like, “I have been forgetting to post anything. My bad!" But that's when I realized: it's not my bad! Anything that's bad cannot be mine!

So whose bad is it? Who is to blame for my lack of posting, and really, for any other problem I have? Not God -- we can't go around blaming God for things. Not the universe -- I don't quite understand those people who vaguely blame "the universe" for their problems. Unfortunately not Glarry, the rather stupid main character in the creepy story I'm currently writing. And believe it or not, I can't even blame the government, who according to some people is to blame for EVERYTHING. So who DO I blame? I mean, as the wise Dr. Barrows once said, “There's always someone else to blame."

And then it hit me! The answer! I should be blaming CAPITALISM for my problems! Of course! It's ALWAYS capitalism. Capitalism in all its evil-ness and problem-making.

So anyway. Let's move on. It's time for the main part of this post. Let's talk ✨Conspiracy Theories With Elsa✨! Yay! Fun!

Here they are:

1. The world is not round. The world is not flat. The world is not even dodecahedral. The world is shaped like a Mobius strip.

2. Peanut butter is a figment of your imagination. (Thank you to Tara for this theory.)

3. Democrats eat babies. Republicans eat 3-year-olds. Communists eat them ALL.

4. Olivia has a duck cult, and the more plastic ducks you have, the better a cult member you are. (Needless to say, I have a LOT of plastic ducks.)

5. Lilly Kate is not actually allergic to peanuts or most other tree nuts. Her only allergy is to pistachios, but she has to cover it up because being allergic to only pistachios is a sure sign of being an alien from Jupiter.

6. Jack Black is Abraham Lincoln's dad. Haven't you ever wondered why they both have brown hair?

7. Dr. Barrows is living in the walls of Lakeway Christian Academy.

8. Mr. Harkness is living in the walls as well.

9. Mr. Ezell has a dungeon of troublesome students underneath the school cafeteria.

10. Barron Trump is secretly in love with Olivia. (Olivia threw that one in.)

11. Mr. Morelock's ponytail is his life source. It gives him perfect pitch and other magical powers.

12. Amelia drove up that light pole on purpose because she wanted to cause a nation-wide power outage to cover up her non-violent crimes (which include cookie theft, embezzlement of cookies, and cookie fraud).

13. Clouds are not made of water molecules. They are made of undyed cotton candy (which is why walking through fog feels so cold and gross: it doesn't have all that yummy Red Dye 40 in it).

14. Katya is actually a Ukranian mad scientist who is here to gather information about America's obesity epidemic.

15. Cyber trucks are actually Martian surveillance cameras. Elon Musk, by extension, is a Martian.

16. That one pair of shoes I have is actually purple, not gray.

17. Bluish-greenish-grayish eyes and red hair and freckles are the best. All other people are peasant losers.

18. The whole world is actually red with yellow accents. Every other color you think you're seeing is a capitalist ruse.

19. Taylor Swift is a man. (Olivia's contribution)

20. Most people believe in New York City. But I have not seen it with my own eyes; therefore, it is not real.

So now I'll set you loose. It's time to come up with your own conspiracy theories! In the wise words of me, “Anything can be a conspiracy if you make it a conspiracy." Feel free to comment below about YOUR latest conspiracy theory!

I hope you leave this post feeling refreshed in your communist ideals.

Have an enlightened day!

Comrade Elsa

P.S. I found a fun website in my conspiracy-theory searchings! I'm so glad someone else understands how truly evil capitalist governments like ours can be.

Birds Aren't Real | Birds Aren't Real

P.P.S. Hopefully there aren't any typos in the this post. There probably are but I don't really feel like reading over it. If something doesn't make sense it's probably a typo.