Happy Thankskeeping!

“Thankskeeping?" you're probably thinking. “What in the world is that?"

I understand your confusion, dear comrade. Not everyone can be as clever, witty, and good with words as I am. So here's a quick explanation:

We all know about Thanksgiving: that terrible day, that so-called “holiday of good times and cheer," that torturous Thursday. We all know that the turkeys hate it, and frankly, if the turkeys hate it, so should you. (That's not to say that the turkeys are important. They're no more important than you are.) So that's why I'm introducing Thankskeeping!

The big idea of Thankskeeping is this: Whereas on Thanksgiving you give thanks for what you like about your life, on Thankskeeping you keep your thanks to yourself, because no one wants to hear it. Thankskeeping is celebrated on the same day as Thanksgiving every year.

Here's a table of pros* and cons.**

*of keeping

** of giving

Thanksgiving	Thankskeeping
Turkey and ham (yuck)	Lentils and Brussels sprouts (yummy yum yum)
A day of giving thanks	A day of keeping your thanks to yourself (as it should be--sharing is not caring)
"Fun" with family and friends	Misery for you but fun for Elsa (the only proper way of doing things)
Auntie Sue makes stuffing and Grandma makes pie	Auntie Sue is at work in the Backpack Factory and 104-year-old Grandma is out grueling in the fields because she's old-fashioned and doesn't understand the high-tech backpack production methods
Rest and relaxation	Work, work, work, work, work, work, work (your favorite thing besides starving)
Eating too much food	Starving: your very favorite thing!
Complicated holiday plans	You just keep doing the same thing you already do every day (work and starving); no need to mess up your schedule!

So how can you properly celebrate Thankskeeping? Here are some ideas:

• Instead of turkey-themed decorations, hang up posters advertising the melancholy and gloom that can be all yours if you join Elsa Supremacy. Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to convert some of your neighbors.

• Buy a turkey, but after you cook it up nicely, send it to Elsa instead of eating it yourself. This shows your true dedication to Elsa Supremacy.

• Do not spend time with your friends and family. Avoid them at all costs. They distract you from the joys of communism.

• Don't take this moment to indulge in the tradition of putting up your Christmas tree. If you own the abomination that is a Christmas tree, burn it ceremoniously on Thankskeeping night.

• Take this chance to bash capitalism and harp on the benefits of communism (which you should already be doing anyway).

That's all for now because I have to go to swim practice! But I'm sure you'll be able to come up with some other ideas yourselves. As long as it encourages the spread of communism, I support it. Adieu, my fellow communists!