How Was Your Stalintine's Day?

That's right, guys. You read that right. I have just come up with a new and updated holiday! “How did this come about?" you may be wondering. “She's already done it once. Can she really work the holiday-creating magic twice?"

Well, truth be told, it wasn't terribly hard. The dark, word-playing corners of my brain, which are usually working at about 80% capacity, simply had to amp it up to 100% - full speed ahead! I knew that a long-ish, complicated-ish word like “Valentines" was bound to have lots of clever communist puns within, just waiting to be discovered. Once I got to thinking, it didn't take me long to discover Stalintine!

So, here is everything you need to know about Stalintine's Day and how to best celebrate it:

• This holiday takes place on February 14, which is “incidentally" the same day as Valentine's Day.

• Red is the color of Valentine's Day. I support that, of course. So carry on with wearing red.

• However, Valentine's Day also endorses hearts. This is ABSOLUTELY not acceptable. Everyone knows hearts are a symbol of love, and love is not permitted here at Elsa Supremacy (unless it's the love of Elsa or of communism - that's okay). Instead, please make broken hearts a part of your Stalintine's Day routine.

• Although this holiday is named after Joseph Stalin, it bears no real connection to him personally. I only chose it because the pun was so perfect. Think of it as a way to celebrate all communist leaders (specifically Elsa) and the deep communist connection we all have.

• People like handing out valentines on February 14, confessing both platonic and romantic love. This is not okay. Please stick with rude notes, nasty letters, and all other forms of hate mail.

• Whenever you see something red, take a moment of silence to be thankful for all Elsa has done for you.

• If anyone tries to give you valentines candy, mail it to Elsa. Under no circumstances are you allowed to eat it.

• If you receive chocolates specifically, follow the lead of Elle Woods: despondently take a bite of each piece, so as to ruin the whole batch, then hurl the box of half-eaten chocolates at the nearest TV screen in a display of rebellion against capitalism. This works best if the TV screen displays an evil capitalist at the time.

• You may receive valentine's cards. If you do, lock them up in an airtight box (so they can't escape, nasty little things), then burn them in a huge bonfire in your backyard at your soonest convenience. Roasting s'mores over this fire is NOT permitted, because s'mores make some people happy, and happiness is not okay.

You may be looking at this list in horror, thinking, “I didn't do any of this stuff yesterday. Am I screwed?" But don't fret! I'm going to cut everyone a little slack this year. If you celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday, that's okay. I know you hadn't yet received this new information about how evil it truly is, so I promise, I hold nothing against you. Let me reassure you with some happy stories of comrades who already understood the values of Stalintine's Day without even realizing it:

• My dear friend Lilly Kate did celebrate Valentine's Day (sad, I know). But she still managed to come out on top! She started off her day by handing out packages of Swedish Fish to all her friends. This may seem like a symbol of platonic love, but that's okay because Swedish Fish are RED. Furthermore, she gave me more Swedish Fish than she gave everyone else, which is how it should be. Additionally, Lilly Kate ended her day by going to Cruze Farms with her boyfriend. But again, even though this is a symbol of romantic love, it's okay, because Cruze Farms's theme color (so to speak) is RED! And the waitresses there like to dress like they're from the 1950s, which, if you recall, was during the Red Scare! So overall, a successful day for her.

• Tara, Amelia, and a host of other communists didn't give anyone anything for Valentine's Day. They didn't say “Happy Valentine's Day!" either. Good job, guys. As we learned on Thankskeeping Day, it's always better to be stingy than generous.

• Ryan was going to make the creative writing club members some baked goods for Valentine's Day. But, he ended up oversleeping and wasn't able to do so. The fates were clearly working in the favor of the values of Stalintine's Day by causing Ryan to oversleep and therefore avoid the Valentine's Day hassle.

• Julia Ann felt sick on Valentine's Day and had to go home from school early. Coincidence? Certainly not. I am quite sure that the reason she felt so terrible is because she has a heightened aversion to disgusting things like Valentine's Day. She showed us how we should all feel on such despicable days. Julia Ann, I salute you!

• Olivia didn't even show up to school on Valentine's Day. Clearly she has better things to do than handing out valentines. What these things are, I do not know. But I'm sure they exist.

  
  

Dear comrades, please strive to be like these fine young communists. I know you're doing great.

But next year, I do expect better.

In other news, you may remember the post I made some days ago, about conspiracy theories. I am happy to say that I successfully came up with two exceedingly viable conspiracy theories in the days following that post! If I had more time, I would maybe elaborate. However, it is 11:02 p.m. on this fine (albeit cold and February-ish) night, and I am ready to post this thing and go to bed. The only thing keeping me from shutting down this slightly rickety school-issued laptop and going to bed is the fact that I told myself I would make this post today, and I ALWAYS keep my promises.* So anyway, I have reached the end. Good night! Sleep tight! Don't let the capitalists bite!

*That is to say, I always keep my promises to myself. I am under no obligation to keep any promises I make to you or any other peasant, because what kind of communist autocrat would I be if I actually kept my promises? A terrible one, certainly.