The Only Political News That Matters

Well, well, well.

As you all know, this Tuesday was a big day. After a grueling race between two undoubtedly terrible people, America has spoken. Our very favorite yellow-haired, orange-faced, black-hearted friend was elected president again after a four-year recess. The oddity that is Donald Trump returns to do all sorts of HUGE things for the next four years. Kamala Harris goes home disappointed about her surprisingly massive loss. Joe Biden and the rest of the Democratic Party remain in the White House for a little while longer, no doubt wondering why Joe didn't step down earlier and at least save face. In January the final slice of bread will be placed on the past eight years of Trump-Biden sandwich. Out with the old and in with the slightly less old, I suppose.

So what do I truly think about all of this political stuff? And yes, my opinion should matter. In fact, it should matter greatly. After all, I am your supreme leader. So what is my opinion? In other words, what is the truth? Because as your supreme leader, I am the chief spouter of truth.

I think that the answer should be obvious. I do not support either candidate! Clearly, the only person fit to run this country is ME. Not Trump. Not Kamala. Not anyone else. Compared to me, today's politicians are imbeciles. Next election I expect better results. And remember, when I say I expect better results, I mean that I expect better results from you guys, as the voters. Keep that in mind in 2028.

I want to make a quick shout-out to one of the truest communists I know. My darling friend Olivia just told me that she chose to write me into the ballot for Senate. That means so much. Olivia has a true vision of what is going to happen soon. Getting written in for Senate is only the first step. Next I'll become president. Then I'll become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Then I'll become Pro Tempore of Senate. Then I'll become Speaker of the House. (I will assume all of these titles at once, of course.) After that I'll have control over all of the branches of the U.S. I will be so powerful! Then (as Commander-in-Chief of the military) I'll take over the rest of the world pretty quickly! Next (as the leader of Senate and the House) I'll pass a law making the world communist. Luckily, I won't have to worry about my actions being unconstitutional because (as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court) I'll ignore judicial review. At last the whole world will be communist! I will reign!

ANYWAY. Thank you so much, Olivia. You are a beautiful communist light for all the world to see. I admire that. Everyone, strive to be like Olivia. The world will only be a better place.

Adieu, my fellow communists. Until we meet again (whether it's in person or you seeing my name on the ballot--if so, you know what to do).

The world's most powerful leaders look in awe upon the face of Elsa Supremacy. They are willing to usher in a bright communist future. Are you?

P.S. On a serious note from actual Elsa, I want to say that I do realize that this post seems a lot more self-centered and political than usual. But I promise that it's all satire. I'm not actually this egotistical.